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Great expectations

I live constantly trying to prove something. I believe I have to be everything to everyone. Any expectation anyone has ever had for me, I have to meet and/or exceed it. Every day of my life, I have assumed I'm disappointing someone or failing to live up to their expectations.
Yesterday was day one of awesome 2012. I was so thrilled I could spend the day in church. I needed His message to fill my mind, body, & soul. The music we sang filled me so much I cried. The message we heard was thought provoking. & then there was Sunday school - we talked about old & new. One of Jesus's parables in Matthew,  Mark, & Luke. Basically, you don't patch old cloth with new cloth & you don't put old wine in new wineskin. So why would you try to patch your sinful life with your new Jesus filled life? We discussed in class how this was like Jesus looking at his disciples & saying "duh!"
So how do expectations relate to patching old with new? My thoughts today led me to start thinking about who Im disappointing. Let's be honest here. & when I say honest, I'm not trying to be conceited, but whose expectations have I failed to meet? Whose expectations have I even failed to exceed, other tan my own? I graduated #1 in my high school class. I achieved 4 college degrees (3 of 4 with honors). I'm a registered nurse, a licensed women's health njrse practitioner. Just the other day one of my colleagues stated that she was surprised I had only been a nurse for 3 years, that I just went on steroids & climbed the ladder.
In turning to my new, Godly life, I have to know that I need to trust in Him. I need to TRUST that He is leading me to set every one of His expectations for me. Just as in my job, everyone does not expect me to know all answers, just where to find them. Why, if I can accept that, can I not accept that God has provided me with all the answers? Today, I'm starting my new life. I'm going to God first. He has all the answers. He acceots me & forgives me even when I fail or have a slip. Each day I will strive to be new, not just today, or once a year, but every single day for the rest of my life. He will always be there for me and I will always look to Him.

Last hours of 2011

For the last month or so I've been saying that I can't wait for 2011 to be over. As I sit amongst Christmas presents I haven't put away during the last few hours of 2011, I'm reminiscing over the last 365 days.
I rang the new year in with my hubby, mom, brother, German family, & my mom's new fiance'. We shot off fireworks, had great food, lots of alcohol, & we were in Germany. When we came back to the states a couple weeks later, we were stranded in Charlotte for a night & then rented a van to make the last leg of our trip. When we got home, James & I discovered some inconvenient messes & inconsiderations left by our dog/house sitter. I had to a reschedule a job interview. None of these tings were major setbacks, just minor inconveniences & had no reflection on what I thought the year had yet to bring.
In the next few months, I returned to school for my final 3 semesters, I interviewed & started a new position at work. Things were going great. That's really the last thing I "remember". The rest of the year was just kind of a blur. I seemed to be on auto pilot from April through about late October. During that time I finished my masters in nursing, preparing for my boards, had a great time with family & friends. I made lots of new friends through my studies.
When I "woke up" I realized I wasn't making the impact I wanted to in my job. However, I was always getting positive feedback regarding my performance from multiple people. It seemed my expectations were the problem. I also realized that the lack of women's health np jobs bothered me more than I thought it would. While there are some days I might want to leave my job minutes into a chat with someone, I wasn't really ready to run out the door as soon as I finished my degree.
The months between my graduation in August & my wake up in October, I literally slept all the time. You can read my previous blogs to get more information on that part of the last few months.
Someone posted this on facebook, " Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable." I love this. It seems to be the epitomy of what I was not doing this past year. So it will be my motto for 2012. I still need to work on goals for making 2012 awesome, but I know it will be. & please note that I said goals, not resolutions. I think its important to make this distinction because resolutions o er all seem to be all or nothing. Goals, however, are flowing and plans can change to meet those goaks and even to realize the goal may not be necessary for awesomeness.
I have only come up with a couple goals so far:
1. Go out with a friend at least once a month
2. Meet up with my bff Ashley once a month
3. Make more time for my family by spending at least once a month with them
4. Go to the gym at least twice a week
5. Get a massage monthly
6. Make meals at home at least 3 times a week

More goals to come. 2012, now that I know what made 2011 tough, I'm great! 

Accepting nothing less than awesome

i've been doing better lately. nothing major happened. i just realized it's not about me.

my positive attitude can affect people just as much as my negative attitude can. PMA...positive mental attitude...a term i used when i taught outdoor education.

awesomeness...that's my new motto. nothing less. not perfection...no...i don't expect that from myself, much less anyone else. just awesomeness. 

work the last 2 nights was busy, but we all got along & collaborated. we were able to take some time & chat. we took the best care of our patients that we possibly could. it was just awesome.

tomorrow i have an appointment with the counselor again. i don't know if i really "need" to go. i don't know if i'll go for anymore visits have tomorrow. i think it's good to talk about what's been going on in the last month. tools that worked, tools that i didn't even try. things that are still holding me back. 

it's amazing how the realization that something was wrong with my thinking, my behavior, my coping started in october or a little earlier. a lot of my "recovery" started before i even made the first counseling appointment. heck, i had to get over a lot of my own stuff to even make the appointment. 

i love Christmas time. several reasons...giving, family, friends, the love of Jesus Christ. it's also time for a new year...i have never wished a year away, but 2011 was not awesome for me...although my new motto was not yet in place. 2012 will be awesome, the end. i expect awesome & amazing things for 2012. i mean, 12 is my favorite number...it's the last year of my 20s. awesome...i just know it.

I've got a wonderful feeeeeling....

I should post on good days...not just days i feel like venting.
i don't know why, but today was a great day. i was happy & smiley...genuinely! i told someone it's probably been about it year since i remember feeling like that.

i plan on keeping it up for a while...as long as i can :)

i wish i could put my finger on what did it for today...but i'll take it without any specific explanation...maybe it was just the Love of Jesus shining through!!

but, it was a great day...& no one else could bring me down. no reason to be thought of...just happy!

Me in 2012

Today I'm trying to get a jump start on 2012. 

2010 was an awesome year. i lost 50ish pounds & i just overall felt awesome

2011 has been a downer. i'm not sure what the catalyst was, but for once in my life, i am not sad to see a year end.

i'm going to try to end 2011 with the happiness & attitude i started it with. today i found out that i was not going to be offered a coverage position as an np..but you know what, it's been so hard trying to get in touch with people (i.e.: i never really got in touch with anyone!)...a friend went and did some digging. i thought i would've been much more disappointed...i told her..."things happen for a reason, so that just means bigger & better things are waiting for me!" last week i may have been really upset. nope...God has a plan for me...i need to start following His plan & not my own. 

God wants me to feel better...whatever got me here was following my own path...so now it's time to find my way back to His...because He never leaves....it's we who stray away. 

going to start out my self-care today with a massage and a workout :) i'm super excited & wanted to write it down. maybe those will be the 2 things i do every time i start to feel down again. 

then i'm going to grocery shop (yes for thanksgiving), but i'm definitely going to try to focus on healthy options. because if you come to my house to eat, you have to eat what i make...i don't have to make what you like..just saying :)

The Portrait of an ENFJ

Info for this blog is from this site**

This website has definitely provided me with an insight into my personality. I said in my info that I think I need to retest my Myers-Briggs, but I think it's still pretty spot on. 

ENFJ...this site calls this group of personality traits "The Giver"

yep..that's me. i think. i feel like i give away so much of me each time i make a new friend; whether we're friends for years or minutes. "ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities." i can see that in myself. 

i took a position at work earlier this year with the primary focus of how i would be able to make my coworkers happy. sometimes i wish it was because of the raise, the more flexible schedule, fewer holidays & weekends. i said it was because i wanted more management experience that i wasn't getting as a floor nurse who was sometimes the charge nurse. i wanted that experience as i was going through np school so that i would have it before i was in a potential situation where i had to manage people. 

i believed that for a while, but recently, i have realized i am suffering from burnout with some residual depression. i've been reflecting on myself and everything in my life a lot. i identified my job as the source of stress almost immediately. i mean really, an oncology nurse working on a unit where turnover is high, stress is constant, lives are always in the balance. after some serious reflection...i'm unhappy in my job, period. it's the staff, it's not the stress...the role has not fulfilled my expectations. it wasn't the management experience i wanted...i'm an ENFJ..."They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this. "

i'm not going to go into details about what's not working at work...because the point of this post is to reflect on my personality. there are lots of factors contributing to my low job satisfaction. but before i realized it was my job, before i realized it was even beyond me...i realized i was completely unproductive; i slept constantly; my house was a mess. i woke up one day and said, "i'm depressed." i started exploring myself and my surroundings. i talked with one of the upper-levels at work, she suggested maybe i am having troubles with life transitions (i just finished a 2nd master's degree); maybe it's the leadership role - because it's hard for feelers to be leaders, they want to be liked (not my words). i cried while we talked. more out of frustration because i wasn't understanding myself. i appreciated her taking the time to talk to me. i told her morale sucks and that i was looking for other positions to use my master's degree. she told me she didn't want me to leave...that made me feel good about myself, at least.

i started going to counseling (provided through work, yay!). before i did, i had a big disagreement at work. i felt really under appreciated, surrounded by unprofessionalism, & just all out disrespected. i cried buckets of angry tears on the way home. i couldn't speak when i crawled into bed with my husband. on the way home i decided, i was TIRED! EXHAUSTED! NOT FOCUSING MY ENERGY IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! i was screaming in my head! what if Martin Luther King, Jr. said to himself, "change takes time. this civil rights thing won't happen right away. i'm just going to save this speech for a few years." or abraham lincoln, "oh, these folks aren't going to change at all...so i'm just going to emancipate the slaves during my next term." what about all these "occupy" protesters...giving tax breaks to the richest 1%...i feel like that's what i'm doing by focusing my energy toward the more talented individuals & neglecting the rest. "ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals." this is what got me where i was...my personality traits.

because i saw that much of the staff seem to be unhappy in several different ways (& i couldn't fix it!) i let them know i was going to go to counseling. being the intuitive person, i know that folks get defensive when you tell them they need counseling. while i thought that was true...i simply put at the bottom of an email that i appreciated their support in my struggles and i would be using this program through work. i recommended that they evaluate themselves & use the program before they get as far away from themselves as i had. perhaps this is the "chameleon-like manner" the website discusses. regardless...lots of people asked me about the program. i don't know if anyone has had a visit, but lots of people have continued to check on me. 

i really work with some amazing people. through more self reflection...i realized the problem wasn't the staff...more so the interactions between people at work. "When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs." the entire time i've been in this position...this trait has been followed to a T. 

my argument was the one time i really stood up for myself. since then, i have seen the counselor and talked about journaling (ta-da!) and living in the moment. turns out i'm a pretty anxious person. i mean, i could've told you that, but it doesn't really help the greater good, so i never really admitted it to anyone. so, i'm just strong for everyone else around me. but i play every potential situation in my mind over & over again. so, my couselor suggested "living in the moment." one of my favorite things to do is look up at the sky when i'm walking the dog & just marvel over the beauty and vastness of the night sky. today, i loved the way the rain glued the fall leaves to my driveway...gorgeous. 

no one is to blame directly for my recent issues. there are lots of contributors, but as my pastor said last sunday, "life is a series of choices..." today i'm choosing God's way...to follow Jesus. i was saved on August 12, 2007 but i've lost myself again recently. i feel like i missed a turn some where & went "that" way...the way of the world and away from the way of Christ. just thinking about it...brings me to tears. the Love of God...the Patience, Kindness...all the virtues i wish to portray...using the qualities of my ENFJ personality to show my beliefs, not just being a "typical" ENFJ. 

a quote i found today:

"people cry, not because they're weak. it's because they've been strong for too long."

i'm finished being strong for now. hopefully i'll take my feelings into account more often from now on. here's to a road of recovery for my mental health & physical health..going to try to hit up a gym more often!