The Portrait of an ENFJ

Info for this blog is from this site**

This website has definitely provided me with an insight into my personality. I said in my info that I think I need to retest my Myers-Briggs, but I think it's still pretty spot on. 

ENFJ...this site calls this group of personality traits "The Giver"

yep..that's me. i think. i feel like i give away so much of me each time i make a new friend; whether we're friends for years or minutes. "ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities." i can see that in myself. 

i took a position at work earlier this year with the primary focus of how i would be able to make my coworkers happy. sometimes i wish it was because of the raise, the more flexible schedule, fewer holidays & weekends. i said it was because i wanted more management experience that i wasn't getting as a floor nurse who was sometimes the charge nurse. i wanted that experience as i was going through np school so that i would have it before i was in a potential situation where i had to manage people. 

i believed that for a while, but recently, i have realized i am suffering from burnout with some residual depression. i've been reflecting on myself and everything in my life a lot. i identified my job as the source of stress almost immediately. i mean really, an oncology nurse working on a unit where turnover is high, stress is constant, lives are always in the balance. after some serious reflection...i'm unhappy in my job, period. it's the staff, it's not the stress...the role has not fulfilled my expectations. it wasn't the management experience i wanted...i'm an ENFJ..."They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this. "

i'm not going to go into details about what's not working at work...because the point of this post is to reflect on my personality. there are lots of factors contributing to my low job satisfaction. but before i realized it was my job, before i realized it was even beyond me...i realized i was completely unproductive; i slept constantly; my house was a mess. i woke up one day and said, "i'm depressed." i started exploring myself and my surroundings. i talked with one of the upper-levels at work, she suggested maybe i am having troubles with life transitions (i just finished a 2nd master's degree); maybe it's the leadership role - because it's hard for feelers to be leaders, they want to be liked (not my words). i cried while we talked. more out of frustration because i wasn't understanding myself. i appreciated her taking the time to talk to me. i told her morale sucks and that i was looking for other positions to use my master's degree. she told me she didn't want me to leave...that made me feel good about myself, at least.

i started going to counseling (provided through work, yay!). before i did, i had a big disagreement at work. i felt really under appreciated, surrounded by unprofessionalism, & just all out disrespected. i cried buckets of angry tears on the way home. i couldn't speak when i crawled into bed with my husband. on the way home i decided, i was TIRED! EXHAUSTED! NOT FOCUSING MY ENERGY IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! i was screaming in my head! what if Martin Luther King, Jr. said to himself, "change takes time. this civil rights thing won't happen right away. i'm just going to save this speech for a few years." or abraham lincoln, "oh, these folks aren't going to change at all...so i'm just going to emancipate the slaves during my next term." what about all these "occupy" protesters...giving tax breaks to the richest 1%...i feel like that's what i'm doing by focusing my energy toward the more talented individuals & neglecting the rest. "ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals." this is what got me where i was...my personality traits.

because i saw that much of the staff seem to be unhappy in several different ways (& i couldn't fix it!) i let them know i was going to go to counseling. being the intuitive person, i know that folks get defensive when you tell them they need counseling. while i thought that was true...i simply put at the bottom of an email that i appreciated their support in my struggles and i would be using this program through work. i recommended that they evaluate themselves & use the program before they get as far away from themselves as i had. perhaps this is the "chameleon-like manner" the website discusses. regardless...lots of people asked me about the program. i don't know if anyone has had a visit, but lots of people have continued to check on me. 

i really work with some amazing people. through more self reflection...i realized the problem wasn't the staff...more so the interactions between people at work. "When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs." the entire time i've been in this position...this trait has been followed to a T. 

my argument was the one time i really stood up for myself. since then, i have seen the counselor and talked about journaling (ta-da!) and living in the moment. turns out i'm a pretty anxious person. i mean, i could've told you that, but it doesn't really help the greater good, so i never really admitted it to anyone. so, i'm just strong for everyone else around me. but i play every potential situation in my mind over & over again. so, my couselor suggested "living in the moment." one of my favorite things to do is look up at the sky when i'm walking the dog & just marvel over the beauty and vastness of the night sky. today, i loved the way the rain glued the fall leaves to my driveway...gorgeous. 

no one is to blame directly for my recent issues. there are lots of contributors, but as my pastor said last sunday, "life is a series of choices..." today i'm choosing God's way...to follow Jesus. i was saved on August 12, 2007 but i've lost myself again recently. i feel like i missed a turn some where & went "that" way...the way of the world and away from the way of Christ. just thinking about it...brings me to tears. the Love of God...the Patience, Kindness...all the virtues i wish to portray...using the qualities of my ENFJ personality to show my beliefs, not just being a "typical" ENFJ. 

a quote i found today:

"people cry, not because they're weak. it's because they've been strong for too long."

i'm finished being strong for now. hopefully i'll take my feelings into account more often from now on. here's to a road of recovery for my mental health & physical health..going to try to hit up a gym more often!